Whether to keep or sell the family home during divorce

 

The family home is usually the most valuable asset in a divorce and is often the most contentious issue. Within those walls lies much more than bricks and mortar, a lifetime of memories can also reside. The challenge is that this emotional attachment often clouds the judgement needed to make the right decision, a decision that can have long-lasting effects. 

The statement ‘I am not leaving my family home’ is very common. It can all be tied up with the thoughts around coming to terms with the end of a marriage they did not want to end, thus the sale of the home can come to represent much more than what it is.

Being in a natural ‘stress’ state at this crucial time, with discussions around dividing assets, can lead to blinkered thinking, and making decisions that are often regretted in later years.

So before insisting that the family home has to become yours it is important to look at all the financial and practical implications. Having a third party, such as a divorce coach, to work through different scenarios and their longer-term impact can be a more effective way to cope with the many changes that may be happening all at once. 

Some of the emotions around selling the family home, when examined properly, may not actually be good reasons, but it is important to consider and understand these feelings before any big decisions are made.

Loss of good memories

Moving from a house, maybe where children were raised can feel emotional. Memories are important, and there are things you can do to keep those memories intact. However, memories that you made as a family in a house are just that, and it is important to balance the present and the future with the past. Your new situation may not suit the current living arrangement. Recognising this is a big step. Working out how to deal with the emotion, however, is not something to ignore.

Loss of status

It's easy to think of a home as a status that you would like to keep to avoid any further upset. Change can be the very thing we would like to avoid. The thought of down-sizing or moving to a new neighbourhood can be too much to cope with whilst trying to hold it all together. Acknowledging these feelings is important, then exploring to see what’s really at stake.

Stability for the children

You may have a family to consider and with that thought comes the immediate response to protect and provide for your children in what is familiar, the family home. This is a noble desire however it should not be the sole determining factor. The children are the innocent victims of a divorce and wanting to protect them from further change is often at the fore-front of a parent’s mind. However, they may have a very different memory of your own perceived perfection of the family home. It may be that within those walls the collapse of the marriage caused unsettling times. Maybe to them raised voices or arguments caused a feeling of emotional turmoil at that very home. Wanting to stay in the family home until the children leave is not always the right decision, but of course in some cases giving the children stability by staying in the home is the right thing to do. These are delicate topics, and it is important to give them careful consideration. 

Deal with the emotion

It’s easy to become blindsided by emotions like grief or anger at times when you must make decisions that will affect your future living arrangements. These can cloud your judgement. Talking things through with a divorce coach can help you see the bigger picture and make decisions based on what’s really important, rather than things that may feel important at the time. Decision making and involving lawyers while you are under stress and processing emotion is not always the most helpful way forward. Many lawyers prefer to work with clients that have a divorce coach – as this ‘triangle’ relationship between lawyer, divorce coach and client gives the client all the emotional and practical support they need, not just the legal advice. 

Consider all the factors

There are many factors to consider, and you may have legal and financial representation to help consider all the aspects around ownership, equity, any settlement, affordability etc. It may be that an alternative smaller family home would be a far better solution causing less stress and more cash flow. It’s important to weigh up these aspects and having a trusted third party to help you work through each potential scenario and what it means for you will make a huge difference. Having a professional as your ‘sounding board’ to guide you through key decisions can help you take control at a time in your life where it may feel like you are out of control.

A longer-term view

Talking to a trained professional can help frame these transitions into something much more positive and help you form a longer-term life plan. Relationship breakdown and divorce is one of the biggest changes anyone can go through, and for many it is like starting over with a blank sheet of paper. This can cause a huge amount of anxiety for anyone that thought they knew how they would be spending the rest of their life. Not being able to picture where you’re going to live can cause uncertainty but having a well-considered plan can help you equip yourself with any short-term upheaval caused by changes in living arrangements.

Of course, no situation is the same, every divorce is different. What’s right for someone else may not be what’s right for you. Whether to keep or sell the family home is a big decision, and one that should be made carefully.