Getting divorced can spark an identity crisis. You’re not the ‘Married You’ anymore, but you’re also not the ‘Pre-Wedding’ version either. It can change how you see yourself, but also how your friends see you, too. Here are my tips for navigating the change successfully. 

"I used to think that divorce meant failure, but now I see it more as a step along the path of self-realisation and growth." - Alana Stewart.

Rediscovering You, Post-Divorce

Reflect on your tastes: Take time to explore what truly matters to you. How do you love to spend your weekends? What do you like to watch on TV? Which brand of ketchup do you like to squirt onto your chips? These are all important things to know. 

Go through your cupboards, throwing away anything that was your ex’s choice. Being surrounded by things you’ve chosen can help reinforce your sense of self. Move the furniture around, repaint the walls, or plant new things in your garden.  

Embrace your newfound independence: Enjoy the freedom that comes with being single. Many people choose to start dating straight after divorce, but I’d advise you wait a while. Instead of adding a new person into your life, learn to navigate your world by yourself. 

What hobbies or interests do you enjoy that might be seen as selfish? Do you love to paint pictures, and leave your half-finished canvases and paint brushes all over the dining table? Do it. Do you love to sleep spread-eagled in the bed and have the heating cranked up to 28 degrees? Crank it! Really celebrate the perks of being alone. 

Refresh your appearance: If you haven’t yet had a Break-Up Haircut, I urge you to ring the salon. And go on a shopping spree too, or just blitz your wardrobe. Revamping your look can have a HUGE impact on your self-esteem. Not only does it publically announce to the world that you’ve changed, but it also reminds you, too, every time you catch sight of your reflection. 

Rediscovering Friendships, Post-Divorce

Accept that friendships will evolve: Friendships and family relationships will probably change after your divorce. Friends you made through your partner might feel obliged out of loyalty to detach themselves from you, even if you’re the one who nurtured the connection throughout your marriage. 

Also, married friends might back off after your separation. It can be painful, especially if you socialised regularly when you were married. 

I’m exactly not sure why married couples retreat from divorced friends; though I suspect that this study by Brown University may have the answer, concluding that divorce flows across social ties. Essentially, if people in your close social network divorce, the risk of your marriage ending greatly increases.

These people may very well fear the potential impact of your divorce on their own relationships, or worry their partner will notice your divorce makeover and fall instantly in love. Whatever the reason, it hurts, and can make you feel even more disconnected from your old life.

Instead of seeing them together, nurture your connection with individual friends. Suggest single outings. You’ll be surprised (and delighted) how many of your female married friends will jump at the chance to go out for a night, or just come round to your house for a bottle of wine, without their partner in tow. 

Be open to new connections: Instead of mourning the friendships left behind, try to stay positive about the new ones you can make. Joining clubs like Meetup to meet people with common interests, a singles club, or a support group for divorcees can bring you into contact with new people who know exactly what you’re going through, and who’ll cheer you on. 

Create your own events: Probably the best way to rediscover your interests and boost your friendships after a split is to create your own social events. You have a house to yourself: use it! Start a book club that’s focussed on your favourite fiction genre or that discusses life-changing self-help titles. Throw a party and invite all your neighbours. Host sleepovers for your kids and their friends, sign up for online exercise classes, or take an evening class. 

Navigating the world during and after a divorce can be challenging – but it’s not something you have to do by yourself. As a Divorce Coach, I’ve helped many women to rediscover themselves after a split. If you’d like a cheerleader through this transition, or just someone to listen, book a free discovery call.