Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. When disagreements arise, it can feel overwhelming, especially if you're invested in saving your relationship. However, understanding how to approach conflicts constructively can transform your interactions and strengthen your bond. Here’s how to fight right.

Understanding Conflict

Conflict arises from differences in opinions, values, or needs. According to Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher in relationship science, conflict is not the issue itself but how we handle it that determines the health of a relationship (Gottman, 1999). Couples who effectively manage conflict tend to maintain happier and more resilient relationships.

1. Stay Calm and Composed

When emotions run high, it’s easy to say things you don’t mean. Before engaging in a discussion, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts. Research shows that physiological arousal, traits like increased heart rate, changes in breathing, and sweating can lead to heightened emotional responses. If you feel too emotional to talk, consider postponing the conversation until you can approach it with a clear mind.

Sometimes, stepping away from a heated discussion can help give both partners the opportunity to regain their composure. Research shows that taking a break can lead to more productive conversations later (Gottman & Levenson, 2000). Agree on a time to revisit the discussion when both of you are calmer, but don’t let it linger more than 24 hours.

2. Use “I” Statements

When discussing your feelings, use “I” statements to express your thoughts without placing blame. For instance, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when I share my thoughts.” This approach reduces defensiveness and fosters understanding. It acknowledges that your feelings are your own and aligns with the idea that individuals are responsible for their own emotional responses, which can lead to healthier interaction.

3. Focus on Solutions, Not Problems

Rather than dwelling on what went wrong, shift your focus towards finding solutions. Couples who actively seek to resolve issues rather than assign blame are more successful in navigating conflicts (Markman et al., 2010). Ask questions like, “What can we do differently next time?” or “How can we meet each other’s needs better?”

4. Practise Active Listening

Effective communication requires listening as much as it does speaking. Show your partner that you’re genuinely interested in their perspective by practising active listening. This means giving them your full attention, nodding, and summarising what they say to ensure understanding. When partners feel heard, they are more likely to engage in constructive dialogue.

5. Avoid the Four Horsemen

Dr. Gottman identifies four negative communication patterns, referred to as the “Four Horsemen,” that can predict relationship breakdown: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. 

Be mindful of these behaviours and strive to replace them with healthier alternatives:

• Criticism → Use “I” statements

• Contempt → Show appreciation and respect

• Defensiveness → Take responsibility for your part

• Stonewalling → Stay engaged and communicate openly

6. Seek Professional Help if Needed

If you find that conflicts persist and you struggle to communicate effectively, consider seeking support from a coach. Professional guidance can provide you with tailored strategies to navigate conflicts and strengthen your relationship.