Many clients approaching an impending split fear what will happen to all the family rituals and traditions for their children. Christmas, birthdays, family holidays, bank holidays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day – there’s a whole heap of occasions that won’t be quite the same as they were before. Navigating new territory can be challenging, but with any big change, with time, and the right support, things can fall into place.
In the beginning there’s lots of muddling along. A ‘divorce’ year is like a transition year – things will not be picture-postcard perfect. But if that is like the ground zero year, each year from that point things will be better. However, creating a new ‘normal’ takes emotional energy. There are plans to come up with, new support systems that may be needed, all whilst dealing with children that may have their own emotional bruises from a marriage breakdown.
I guide my clients to a state where they are thinking clearly so they can make plans and be proactive in dealing with the changes in their family situations. Here are some examples drawing on various clients’ experiences:
Plan ahead
A client was keen to recreate the Christmas feeling for the children in their family home, even though it was not her ‘turn’ to have the children on Christmas Day, so she organised a ‘pre-Christmas’ weekend, a month before 25th December. She made sure the children knew what was planned and booked theatre tickets for the West End. They took in the lights, shopped, wandered through China-town and enjoyed a meal out. The next day they had other family members join them, for a full Christmas Dinner and exchange of presents. They had a special time and knowing about the plan well in advance meant the children did not have any worry on the run up to Christmas about things being different.
Other clients have invited extended family for special occasions like Christmas, to make up the numbers, keep a sense of occasion, and to remove any chance of children feeling as if something is missing.
The trick is to be ahead of the game, and have a plan, which can alleviate any stress or anxiety around changes in the family situation.
Involve others – build a support network
Many clients post-divorce find that their groups of friends change. There can be a natural shift towards friends in the same situation. Wherever the support comes from, it’s important to be mindful of your needs and to seek out the right support for you.
Extended family is always the most obvious choice for a support network for special events and holidays if you are lucky enough to have one close by. One client with a large extended family was able to start a regular holiday tradition with her extended family. These were wonderful occasions which strengthened bonds between the children and their wider family.
Another client with a younger child in the home was anxious about school and family holidays. A single parent taking children on holiday alone may not always be appealing. She set about arranging day trips out, that her children could bring friends along, building up to short mini breaks away, which provided enjoyment for all.
Don’t be afraid to let those in your support network know the importance of involving you and your family in activities, and don’t wait to be asked or invited – you can take the initiative too!
Create new memories and traditions
One client, post-divorce, was seeking to build up the connection with her football loving son, and arranged to take him to a football match, not something she would normally do. This one-on-one time, doing something that her son loved, was a win and paved the way for similar outings in the future. One-on-one activities with children are often those that are remembered and treasured the most, and this could be a useful way to create positive memories and a new tradition after a challenging time.
Look after yourself
Prioritising the children is great, but it’s important to look after yourself. Many clients have discovered a new lease of life post-divorce, some picking up hobbies and interests that had lain dormant. One client took up running more seriously than she had previously and completed five half-marathons in the years she was single. Training for her running events helped give her a focus.
Looking after yourself means you will be equipped to support your family in meeting their needs. A positive mindset can help you get creative with re-building traditions and help make memorable special occasions.
