The journey of divorce can be a long and painful road, that without planning and organisation can often lead us to make mistakes.  These mistakes can result in the process taking longer, which causes more stress for all parties, and ultimately, delays the opportunity to move on into a new life. With my own divorce it’s easy to look back and think if only I had the hindsight and wealth of knowledge that I do now. So let me share with you some points to consider:

 Don’t just rely on advice from family and friends

 You may be just thinking about divorce, or in a ‘difficult’ situation. It’s very tempting to share your story with family or close friends, however, relying on them for advice can be a mistake. You could end up confused with different advice from different places! Equally, advice given can be dangerous without the professional background to do so. Sometimes our nearest and dearest can’t fully understand what is happening, if it’s outside of their own experience. They may also want to keep the ‘status quo’ and advise you accordingly. Or they may over-sensationalise, not understanding the steps and processes that need to be followed.

 The divorce lawyer doesn’t have to be the first stop

 I think it has always been the case that most people think the first stop on the divorce journey should be straight to the lawyers’ office. This is risky, with no preparation or organisation and little thought into who you are engaging with to advise you on this life changing matter.  Do your homework and find the most suitable legal representation for you and your case.  One size does not fit all! Being prepared when you do engage with a lawyer will save you time and money. 

 The danger of waiting for the children to leave home

 This has come into play many times in many scenarios I have witnessed. Some put their lives on hold so that the children can have an unaffected life. This seems like the ultimate noble sacrifice, however in many situations the children can see what’s going on, they experience the tension. In some cases, it would be better to face up to marital challenges and allow the divorce transition to take place. Children can thrive and enjoy two happy households.

 Be ready for change

 In the midst of the emotional roller coaster that is divorce it is so easy to resist change and go to any cost to avoid it.  Don’t let this happen and behave like an ostrich with its head in the sand. It’s at this very time that one needs to be present in the moment and on top of all the changes, especially financial.

 Keep a check on finances

Don’t waste any time in making this a priority.  It may be that during your marriage this had not been of upmost importance as it had all been done for you.  Start right away.  Make a note of all expenditure. This sounds like a simple thing, but for many households, it’s actually complex, especially with children. It can take a few months of tracking expenses to see what the true picture is, and this is key information that is needed when separating finances. 

 It’s normal to feel this bad

You are not alone in that feeling of hitting rock bottom.  So, the last thing you need is the added despair that you can’t cope with what appears to be your new normal.  Just when you thought things were going your way something may trigger you right backwards.  Do not despair, things will get better, and episodes of despair will be a thing of the past. All the extra stress and anxiety can make it feel like life is a big struggle. I liken it to being in a dark tunnel. It’s long, and there may be a way to go, but there is a glimmer of light at the end. Keep moving forward, and you can reach that light, and leave the darkness of the tunnel behind.

 Understanding why you feel loss

When the divorce is underway or over so is the life that you once had.  It does not matter that it may have been you that wanted and initiated the split.  The loss of your old life may be that you have had to move to a new country, or to a new area. Maybe the loss of a home, friendships or family members can be hard.  Once you learn and process how to let go and move forward into the unknown you will heal and find new happiness.

 Betting the farm on another relationship

This is a common mistake and often made when one enters into a new relationship before ending another.  The thought that your new love of your life will take care of you can lead to hasty and often regrettable decision making.  Remember not to count on something that is not a sure thing. 

 Throwing in the towel

Of this I was guilty.  The whole process is wearing and at times can feel like it is going on forever.  With cancelled court dates and twists and turns along the way it can be very tempting to say I just want it over with to get on with my life.  Trust the process and proceed with patience for the best possible outcome.