As a divorce coach, I help women through one of the most challenging events of their life. But I often find that it’s not the only challenge they’re facing. Life has a way of heaping all of our troubles onto us at the same time (thanks, Universe!) so my clients are often juggling other stresses, too. And the most challenging one is often dealing with their parents. 

According to UK research, one in five people aged 50-64 have to care for an older family member. Our modern lifestyles don’t support this. Many of my clients live far away from their hometown or work long hours around looking after their families. Taking on responsibility for their parents too can push people into unbearable stress.  

As a coach, I live to help people survive and thrive under pressure. So here are my 5 best tips for coping with aging parents. 

1. Have a conversation about your aging parents’ wishes early on

You only want what’s best for your parents. But do you actually know what that is? And more importantly, do they? 

Have an open and honest discussion with your parents about their plans. Have it soon, probably even before you think it needs to be had. Expectations are the main cause of unhappiness in relationships, so your pre-conceived notion that your parents will downsize to a cottage close to you (or a cottage very, very far away) might spark a row, if actually they were secretly planning to sell up and sail round the world. 

Talk to your parents about their dreams. Where would they like to live? How will they manage if one of them dies or gets ill? Do they want to live close to their children, or would they prefer to remain independent and only visit? Are they staying in the family home, or swapping it for something more manageable? Do they want your help? 

2. Ensure your whole family is on board to help

If you have siblings, make sure you’re all involved in your parents’ lives and any decisions that need to be made. Dividing responsibilities unfairly is a very common cause of resentment, and the fall-out can last long after the parents have passed on. So be proactive. 

Find fair ways to share the load. For example, if one of you lives closer than the others, they might be on hand to visit most. But can another person take on the job of doing online shopping, or look after the bills? 

If you don’t have siblings, see if another family member, or close friend of your parents, is happy to help. 

Most importantly, keep reviewing your arrangements to check they still work for everyone involved. As your lives change, so should your plans. 

3. Take care of yourself

When you’re looking after your aging parents, it’s easy to neglect your own needs. I see this a lot in the “Sandwich Generation” – people who look after their parents and children. With so many people relying on you, you can start to neglect yourself. 

You are not being selfish to look after your health, mental well-being, and self-care. Make sure to keep up your exercise, healthy eating, and getting enough sleep. If you feel overwhelmed or like you might be slipping into depression, check out this blog post for advice. 

4. Stay organised 

Keep records of your parents’ medical information, medications, and appointments. Elderly people visit health centres more often than Harry Styles goes on tour, so find a system for managing the details. Many health records can only be accessed online, which might be confusing for your parents, so give your parents’ GP your contact details so they can loop you in any information. Also, find a pharmacy that can deliver their medication. 

It is also useful to set up a Lasting Power of Attorney, and remember this can only be done while your parents are still of sound mind, so don’t delay if your parents are over 70. Having LPA will allow you to make decisions about your aging parents’ medical care, or their finances, or both. Without it, you might have to spend thousands of pounds in legal fees negotiating for your right to make decisions, or even to access bank accounts. To find out how to apply for LPA, visit: https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney 

5. Seek help 

As time goes on, aging parents only need more help, not less. Eventually you might need to look for professional back-up, like in-home carers, assisted living, or a care- or nursing-home.

Your parents’ local council is your first stop for care advice, and you can talk things through with the very helpful AgeUK charity on their website or by calling their helpine on 0800 678 1602 (8am-7pm, every day). 

Don’t forget, though, that you will need support too. Caring for someone is very challenging, and talking about your experiences – as well as your emotions, struggles and stress – can help. You can find helpful resources on the CarersUK website, or by popping into one of their monthly, online, virtual meet-ups: Care For A Cuppa. 

You might also find it helpful to discuss your experiences with a coach. If you think I can help, and especially if you are balancing going through a divorce with caring for your parents, do please reach out and book a free discovery call.