Adele's lessons in divorce recovery...
‘Go Easy on Me’, Adele’s new single from her album, 30, is written as a letter to her ex-husband. Adele is a master of her craft, capturing emotion through searing vocals and lyrics that keep no-one guessing that her album is about ‘Divorce babe, divorce’.
Adele isn’t the first singer to have sung about divorce, but she is the first to have done it so eloquently, so fully. Rod Stewart tackled the topic in ‘It’s Over’, but came across as bitter, and Tammy Wynette’s DIVORCE was a bleak lament to a country tune.
Only Adele could pull this off, with her nuanced understanding of fragility, her braveness at putting her feelings out into the world. On the track ‘My Little Love’ Adele uses voice notes of conversations with her son. She does not hold back in telling it how it is. She even negotiated with Spotify to remove the ‘shuffle’ feature so her album could be played as it was intended, start to finish, telling her story as it played out. These songs chronicle a personal journey of sadness, regret, despair, and recovery ending in self-acceptance and optimism.
While pouring out one’s heart in song and lyrics may not be everyone’s coping mechanism, there are key lessons we can learn from Adele’s experience.
1. It takes time to process a big life change
Going through a divorce is not a single event, a single moment in time. At whatever point the realisation comes that a divorce is inevitable, there’s a process of grieving. There may be regrets, recriminations and doubts. There’s uncertainty. All of these are big emotions and take time to work through. There is no time limit on these feelings, they may continue long after events and circumstances have changed.
2. Lots of support is needed
Adele has spoken about having therapy, and for many going through turbulent times having professional support is a lifeline. This can be a coach, counsellor, friend, or all of these. To make sense of changes, whether they have happened to us, or whether we have instigated them, we all need to process what’s happening, and talking is a great way to do this. From my own experience, and supporting my clients, having people to talk to is key.
3. There are different ways to process change
I’m sure Adele has taken great comfort from putting her emotions to music. There’s a catharsis in creating something as an outlet to emotion. Adele has even said one of her songs ‘To be Loved’ she will never sing live because it’s too emotional for her. Identifying what your outlet could be to take all the emotion and put it somewhere is a useful mechanism. For some it could be painting, or poetry, or even as simple as writing everything down in a journal. Once it’s ‘out there’, even if in a private diary, the physical act of writing something and putting it down removes it from your head, freeing up space for new thinking and emotions.
4. Like a bereavement, grief over the end of a relationship is real
Adele has taken pains to point out she chose to end her marriage. There were no recriminations from either side. But that doesn’t mean the grief she experienced wasn’t real. For any divorce or separation, the ‘change curve’ that is used to describe the feelings one goes through following a bereavement applies. Even when the party chose to end the relationship. There is still a loss, and even more so when children are involved. Sometimes the grief can be cyclical, the change curve can be worked through, but then a trigger can occur and send you back to working through those emotions again.
5. Don’t rush into new relationships too quickly
In her interview with Zane Lowe, Adele spoke about being careful with her relationship choices after her divorce, stating she left her marriage to ’go forwards’ not backwards. She talked about recognising she needed to do the work on herself, to get to know herself, rather than involving someone else while she was still all over the place. Rebound relationships are common for those that have come out of a break-up, but it is wise to take the time to get to know yourself again and make sensible decisions that won’t cause more pain.
6. You need to do the work to be happy with yourself
A constant theme through Adele’s track-list is of her own personal self-reflection, and ultimately, in Adele’s words, ‘self-redemption’. Whatever the circumstances of anyone’s divorce, at some point, introspection is needed. Who are you, what is it that you want out of life, do you have peace and self-love towards yourself? These things, take time, and work, whether through coaching, journaling, meditation, or reading the right books to help gain better understanding of life.
Want to get some help to make it through? As a divorce and life coach I can help you to work on yourself, build yourself back up, and get ready to face the future.